One thing I notice many adults are terrible about is rewarding themselves appropriately, in a manner that motivates them to do well. It’s strange, if you think about it. Many of us have terrible habits: If we do well at work, we’ll shop for something we can’t really afford, or binge on junk food or alcohol, or worse, not reward ourselves at all.

In some cases, we don’t think we deserve a reward until we’ve done way too much–workaholism is rampant in our culture.

I started wondering when we developed such unbalanced habits.Probably like many habits, when we were kids. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: The last thing my teen needs is more reward.

But just bear with me for a moment because I think this logic tracks: If teens are too easy to reward themselves, then they don’t understand the concept of reward anyway, so the pendulum could swing the other way later–where they themselves feel overindulged as adults, and they have regrets about not achieving more, so then they apply pressure and never reward themselves.

The idea is to give reward an infrastructure, so it stands on its own, and excesses in either direction–too much reward, or too little reward–are eliminated, balance is achieved.

So here’s a plan for teen’s self reward system for good grades. And now is a time to execute it because there’s enough time left in the semester to turn over a new leaf if need be. Tell your teen this is an experiment from now until end of semester. If they agree to execute this plan, they’ll get double allowance for the month of January.

(Now, that is not paying for grades because it is not direct. You are giving them a bonus for a new system of good working and living habits.)

Wipe the slate clean of all present rewards, even ones that don’t have anything directly to do with grades. So, say your teen is allowed to watch TV right after doing homework. Tell them that’s no longer a given for the rest of the semester. You’re not necessarily taking it away, but this exercise in creating a reward chart is about clean slate thinking, having an open mind and redoing everything.

Have your teen make a list of privileges they want, little ones and big ones. A little one could be watching TV after homework is finished. A big one could be going out on a school night.

Next have your teen make a chart of all papers, tests, quizzes, reports, homework they have due for the rest of the semester in each subject. I’ll bet their teachers would be happy to help them with such a calendar chart if they don’t have all the information. So the chart should have the subjects listed in the vertical column, and the graded assignments, tests and each item’s due date running horizontally.

Have them assign a reward they think is appropriate for a good grade on each of these items. (You can choose how to decide what a good grade is, given your teen’s individual strengths and weaknesses.)

Reserve veto power in case you think they’re a little loose with the rewards–like being able to go to a rock concert just for handing in homework on time.

Next have them, under the chart, or on another sheet of paper or screen, map out the time they will need to devote to each assignment/subject to get their goal grades. Then have them fill out a time chart. They can use a blank weekly calendar. Have them write down when they’ll work on what, and for how long.

Have them check each week to see if their time plan is working, or if it needs tweaking–e.g., more time in math is necessary to meet the grade goal, but not so much time in reading, they’re finishing early every day. These adjustments are key because they’re a little reward system of their own, and empowering. It also teaches time management–I could use a little lesson in that, honestly. Time management is one of the most important budgeting lessons anyone learns.

At the end of the semester, see how they do, and how they feel what they did. If their grades improved, their academic stress was alleviated, and they really enjoy their privileges with new awareness–not to mention their bonus — I’d keep the system going until it’s truly habitual. Hey, they may always want to make a chart to plan their time.

When you see someone settle in for their favorite TV show, knowing nothing is hanging over their head, and they can really relax, it’s a very liberating feeling. Of course the same goes for bigger rewards, like that rock concert for an A on a final exam, but maybe they’ll be surprised that the day to day kindness to themselves, and stress relief, is the greatest gift of all.

And best of all it builds the habit of balance, which in turn enables good quality of life as an adult. Hmm. Maybe I should take my own advice.

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Paying your kids, especially teenagers, for good grades, is a trend I find so disturbing my fingers can barely slow down enough to write intelligibly.

Here’s the most elemental theory I subscribe to when it comes to money lessons for teenagers—and I believe in this philosophy both as a professor, and as a trustee of a school. Two things money lessons should never interfere with: Lessons of intrinsic satisfaction, and systems where there’s a non-monetary award already in place that has value–in this case, grades. If you pay your kids for good grades, you interfere with both these things by trumping them. And the kids will lose out in very profound ways. Here’s how:

1. Killing a sense of intrinsic satisfaction. It’s bad enough that standardized testing, intense focus on grades, and conditioning like assessments makes learning so pragmatic that curiosity can get squashed. Learning should expand exponentially: Curiosity gets piqued and a kid goes on a journey to discover, uncover, find answers, satisfy questions, find more questions, make sense of man’s relationship to the world.

If you pay kids for good grades, it places even more emphasis on just the grades, just learning what will ace the tests, all the pragmatic parts of our institutionalized education. They will not develop a taste for a tough challenge just to find an answer, or seek to invent, because it’s not part of the reward system you’re aggressively conditioning them to obey.

Curiosity is a natural. We must nurture it in our kids. Encourage them to follow their questions. By the time kids are 6 they have a sense of competition among peers, wanting to please teachers, wanting to do well. Don’t squash it. It’s a gift, keep up intrinsic satisfaction and one day you’ll have adults who can find satisfaction and joy in their work, not just be slaves to a paycheck. Ultimately, people who enjoy challenges of work do better anyway. You could argue they’ll be better earners if they’re focus isn’t always on money.

2. The all-they-care-about-is-money syndrome. When you trump a non-monetary reward system, like grades, which have their place in motivation and getting competitive juices flowing, you create a monster. These are the kids who think the only thing that matters is money and material goods. These are the kids who are conditioned, by parents, to think they should be paid for waking up in the morning. These are the kids you find yourself screaming at that you put a roof over their head. They don’t start out ingrates. We condition them by breaking the above two rules of money lessons and what money should never interfere with.

And it’s really unfair to them. They’ll get conditioned to be under-stimulated by the small, simple pleasures in life. They’ll want to keep up with the Joneses as they age.

Reward teens with good grades with privileges, not money..

Here’s the theory behind these ideas, and please send along more privileges if you’ve found they work. The theory: Robust curiosity and good grades means your kids are tuned in to their sense of dignity, personal goals, sense of responsibility, self worth, and often their sense of community spirit. Kids who do well in school tend to help other kids, and have a developed sense of social conscientiousness. Feed those wonderful qualities with more freedoms, which enhance their sense of intrinsic satisfaction.

1. Let them borrow the car if they have a license.

2. Let them have a later curfew.

3. Let them hang out with friends, even if it’s a school night.

4. Let them buy a car at age 16, not 18, or even older. (Since this one intersects with money, you can also set up a savings and investment plan with a responsible teen to put allowance and side job money in CDs, savings accounts. Help them open these accounts).

5. Treat them to a weekend away with a friend.

6. Treat them to concerts or other special events that interest them.

7. Let them make more decisions about their lives. Let them choose what they want to do with their summer, instead of imposing strict rules. Let them opt out of outings such a visiting your friends. Let them decide when and how to do their homework, even if it means they choose to watch TV first, or during. If their grades slip, revisit freedoms.

And of course, the final question all of this begs? What do you do if they’re not getting good grades, which is what led to payment to begin with?

I say a little old fashioned negative reinforcement by taking away privileges if they don’t do their best. Well, that’s not entirely negative. Show them this list of privileges, and explain that they could be getting all of them. Tell them they won’t get these privileges if they don’t get good grades because privileges are for people who take responsibility.

And if at the end of it, you still really think that only payment for grades will work with your kid, then consider opening a savings account in their name for the money, or a 529 college account, and tell them that the money they earn won’t just be for tuition, but for spending money at college.

I can’t wait to hear your stories about what besides money works.

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